Dear Mr. Regnerus
I would like to take this opportunity to respond to your opinion column in the Washington Post titled Say Yes. What are You Waiting For?. I know It was published a couple of years ago and all, but in coming across it tonight, I found myself cross-eyed with confusion. I thought maybe I would clear some things up for you.
(I’ll warn you, this first point I am going to make might be a bit provocative for you. Please prepare yourself accordingly.)
It’s not all about babies. I know, its a crazy thing to say, but I feel compelled to be honest with you about today’s young people. It’s not all about the babies. I may be wasting away my most fertile years, according to you, but while I am wasting valuable eggs, I am gaining valuable experience in the world which will, one day, make me a better mother. For myself and my peers, the myth that life is primarily about procreation is simply outdated and therefore, a terrible reason to marry young.
(Oh yeah, and your decision to refer to women’s “market value” as they age, though not your words…still reeks of patriarchy and ignorance.)
At one point in your treatise you quietly refer to “the simmering pan of sexual variety” that my generation prefers over the shackles of marriage. To that, I would wonder how much time you have spent “hitting the clubs” with today’s young people and if you have any idea what happens late at night when lights come on in the bars and the mass exodus occurs. As Dana Goldstein appropriately responds in her American Prospect Blog, “…while it’s true that only a few of my friends have imminent plans to walk down the aisle, the vast majority of them are either in long-term committed relationships or looking for one. We are a generation raised during the height of the AIDS crisis, and ours is an age of serial monogamy and practice-marriages.” Mr. Regnerus, its not 1998 anymore. We know what happens when you have unprotected sex, we’ve seen the STD slideshow. That’s not to say it doesn’t happen, but sir, your “simmering pan of sexual variety” has been around for a hell of a lot longer than you can blame on my generation.
As offensive as I find your arguments of babymakin’ and sexual responsibility, the real clincher to me is the bullshit economic argument you make for why I should have gotten married three years ago. You site the “benefits of pooling resources” and romanticize the austerity in your own young marriage, but the truths for young people today are different than these truths. Today, its not about pooling resources, it’s often about pooling debt. I’d be lying if I said I didn’t consider the debt I would be taking on in a potential partner. Even if finances are kept separate, this greatly impacts the economics of a marriage. How am I supposed to engage in that babymakin’ if either of us is drowning in debt? Last I heard, it takes money to raise a family.
I don’t live in a time of economic possibility. I live in a time when the unemployment rate is somber enough, but the unemployment rate for 20-somethings is nearly twice the national average. How marrying is going to help me beyond this economic hurdle is beyond me.
I agree with you that marriage is a formative experience in which we learn as we go. My waiting to marry isn’t out of the hope that I will find all universal truths in the meantime, it’s based in making my own decisions that are based on my circumstances and are what’s best for ME. But mostly I just think you’re full of crap and that your real motivation in advocating for marriage is based in the religious portion of your studies, which is conveniently left out of this opinion piece.
So for now, I will take continue to waste my valuable eggs, simmering in sexual variety while I attempt to become financially independent, not just for my own benefit but for the benefit of my future husband and children. I have no doubt I will be a better wife and mother because I chose not to take your advice.
But thank you for your input.
Sincerely,
Melissa
ps. also, your name sounds like something out of Harry Potter, negating any credibility you might have had from the very start.
